Where Jake Stands

I'm sure Liam made some silly rookie-in-charge mistake like using the recent chunks of time he's been left with siblings while I'm out to declare a general authority over Richard, because I overheard Richard say, "NO, you aren't in charge of the kids. MOM is! You're only in charge when Mom's not here."

Pause.

"And usually then it's DAD who's in charge of us."

Got that? It's not "Mom and Dad" who are in charge of the kids, it's Mom and THEN Dad when Mom's not here...and even then, only it's only "usually" Dad.

I personally would argue that if I'm leaving the house and Liam and Jake are both home, I would do best to put Cory in charge. Today G came out of the playroom to tell Jake that Timmy had a poopy diaper-- a REALLY smelly one, too, it's not like Jake should not have been able to smell it. Jake praised G for alerting him about the diaper, called to Tim, "HEY TIMMY! LET'S CHANGE YOUR DIAPER!" and went back to eating his soup. Guess what? Timmy didn't leave what he was playing with in the playroom to come for diaper change. I nursed the baby, came out to lecture G on not scripting in the playroom, couldn't find any oxygen in the playroom due to the methane off- gassing from Tim's diaper, felt Kayliegh do a diaper-bursting expulsion of her own in my arms, and headed to the bathroom to do a total diaper-outfit change, advising Tim that he was next.

Jake poked his head in the bathroom where I was wiping down K and said,"Oh, sorry, I was going to change him, then didn't. Um, I'm ready to take the kids to the library now, you don't need me for anything else, do you? We'll just head out." Jake apparently thinks that even though we have seven packages of baby wipes, two changing tables, plenty of floor space, and different-sized diapers for Tim and K in three different rooms so that one has non-competing stockpiles of diapers for each, and two adults who have diaper- changing experience, clearly changing diapers on two separate kids is a one-at-a-time activity and consecutive changes must be completed by whomever starts the first in line. Cory would be bright enough to get that nothing prevents simultaneous changes, and that attempts to ditch a poopy diaper (that smells like someone brought a cowpie in from a meadow, mixed it with dog poop, boiled it in cat pee and let it simmer on the stove) on me through either real or feigned ignorance of the possibility of simultaneous changes would NOT go over well with me.

So, Jake stands just ahead of Liam--usually--in the chain of command, and, if he's wise, out of my line of fire when I'm holding poopy diapers.

My Work Is Done...

OK, Timmy is two and a little bit. He is not yet potty-trained, he still spills any cup without a lid on it (less because he isn't able to coordinate but because he likes to observe gravity and the motion of fluids), he makes a red disaster out of himself every time he eats pasta, he still lashes out occasionally to hit Dunc when Dunc pisses him off ("pissing off" defined as "not handing over what Timmy wants", which is frustrating because Dunc is big on the whole look-how-nice-I-am thing and if Timmy asked nicely in front of me, Dunc would hand it over every time just to be fussed over by Mom for his excellent sharing), he has to give the baby her pacifier all the time even if she's sleeping peacefully, has no idea how to whisper (in Freivald-speak "whisper" means "speak so that you can't be heard across the church over the priest, organ, and choir") and in general is not yet at all a civilized human being.

However, there are two developments that tell me that in the ways that count, my work is done. First, he can recognize and join in singing at least three Clancy Brothers Irish folk songs that mention whiskey (yes, believe it or not, some of them don't), and he identifies and verbally begs for any Calvin and Hobbes book. "Skews me, Mom, ree CALveh en HOPS!" Clearly we have set him on the right path early.

(Jake's work is done because he loves Dilbert--he'll watch Dilbert videos over and over, muttering a few phrases after the characters say them with an amused and knowing shake of the head, as if saying, "Hah! Oh man, isn't that just the way it is?!?!)