Playdates
OK, here's the thing--at my house, absorbing another child is almost nothing--the younger the child, the more effort required on my part, but it's still almost nothing--but having the mother stay can be much more effort, depending on the will of the gods (and by gods I mean kids.)
For example, hypothetical child comes over, I chat with mom in the doorway for a bit while the child discovers the messy playroom and is delighted to help the mess along without interference. The mom leaves, the guest and whichever child of mine the guest is supposedly here to play with go play. The baby needs to nurse, so I sit to nurse him, and hear conflict brewing upstairs. When it reaches a certain level of volume and/or shrillness I yell loudly enough to be heard, "What's going on? Settle it in the next three minutes or I will!" or some other random phrase meant to indicate I am on top of the situation even if I don't appear, because in reality it's not serious enough to warrant my interrupting the baby. Kids appear and ask for snacks. I tell them to wait till the baby is done. A child bumps himself and cries, so I put the baby down in the crib and let him cry because the other cry is more urgent and parenting multiple kids as always a triage situation. Tend to the wounded and, while the baby isn't in my arms, grab something quick out of the cabinet and hand it to the kids for snack ("Can't we have X?" guest asks, and I say, "Sorry, not today"), then go back to the baby. Notice that a younger child is running around naked from the waist down, decide it isn't a priority right now. Change baby and settle him to play, find younger child and re-apply clothing, press button on tea kettle to boil some water for myself. Have kids ask to play on the computer and give strict orders to use the timer to take turns, put in video for the younger child, make tea and read email on my computer. Have guest come down to complain that my child is not letting him play the game he wants, tell him to go back and try working it out. Empty dishwasher and decide what dinner will be. Bobble baby, read to younger child, hear discussion about computer and go tell my child that he must compromise and allow his guest to play the game he wants and he should let the guest go first--no further argument. Put baby down for nap, which involves five minutes of crying. Discover every toy in the playroom is on the floor, shrug knowing it will take all of 15 minutes to cope with later, and step over the toys to get lunch ready. Feed kids lunch unceremoniously in front of a video while I swap some laundry. Tell kids it's time to get some outside time--guest and associated child argue for more time on the computer, I say no, go outside for a bit, they go out and have great time climbing on the swingset. While I'm picking up the remnants of the lunch mess, I note the time and warn child his mom will be here soon and he should have his shoes and such on. Mom comes to pick child up, maybe she sees the mess and maybe she doesn't, but I simply say, "It was my kids, not yours" and she doesn't feel the need to make her
child clean up before leaving. Everyone is happy.
Now, lets say the hypothetical child comes over and hypothetical mom stays. (This account is fictional--any resemblance to any non-Freivald children and mothers or past or future playdates is purely coincidental.) I hastily pick up toys so the place doesn't look too messy. Guest starts dumping toys, his mom tells him to stop which accelerates the dumping, tells him again to stop, I try to make it not a big deal while also not undermining her, finally ask if she wants tea while the kids go off to play. Push button on tea kettle. Baby needs to nurse, so I sit down. Conflict brews upstairs, instead of yelling in front of my guest I go upstairs with baby attached and quietly tell the kids to stop, with other mom right behind me to make sure it isn't her child causing the ruckus and to help. Boys start telling us who did what, we both tell our kids that they were in the wrong while pretending to ignore what the other is saying to her child, and go back downstairs. I try to converse while nursing the baby, only to have younger child streak by with no pants on. Mutter that I will have to get to him once the baby is done. Kids appear and ask for snacks. I don't want to put them off in front of a new acquaintance, so I interrupt baby to make a "proper" snack and realize I never made tea. Push button again on tea kettle, make four different snacks because the guest can't decide what he wants and if I'm accommodating one I must accommodate all as if this is what i always do so mother won't feel her child is being difficult. Realize I haven't offered anything to my adult guest, and ask if she would like anything to eat just as I realize i have no grown-up food around. Offer some animal crackers with our tea. Realize I still haven't made tea. Push button on tea kettle. Guest comes down and complains about not getting to play his favorite game on the computer. I call my child down to tell him he should let the guest go first and let him chose the game just as guest's mother is telling him he shouldn't tattle and should play what is offered--boys stand there sullenly waiting to find out which mom will insist her child give way. I win, my child grumpily retreats, mother apologizes, I apologize back, interrupt very tired baby's nursing again to finally pour tea. See younger child streak by again, put baby down to sleep, and while he cries snag Naked Boy and clothe him, searching the pile of unfolded laundry for something to fit him while other mother kindly asks if I'd like her to pick up the crying baby. I try to decide if I will look coldhearted if I tell her we're better off letting the baby cry, when kids ask for lunch. MOther offers to start something but I'm thinking of the state of my fridge and insist I will be right there to get it. Send off Not-Naked Boy, go to start lunch, and notice that I have left the tea steeping the whole time. Decide it's OK and ask mother what she wants in her tea. Make tea while kids ask me what's for lunch. Make lunch and sit them all at the dining room table, then realize this leaves little room for me and the mom to drink our tea. Accommodating mother suggests we drink it in the kitchen. I try to pick up around the kitchen without looking like I'm cleaning up, and both of us attempt a conversation while correcting the manners of our kids. I suggest the kids go outdoors after lunch, the guest and child ask for more computer time "Since it is a special occasion that he's here, Mom" and not wanting to look like a jerk I agree, but then still have to get the other kids their shoes because they DO want to go out. GIve up on baby sleeping and pick him up. Mother helps me put shoes on kids. Guest and child upstairs have had too much time on the computer and are getting whiny. I try to figure out which is worse--not offering the mom any lunch or feeding her PB&J, but mother decides it's time to leave and has awkward conflict with her child over their departure. She insists he help clean up. I then insist my kids clean up, and none of the kids are willing. Finally, I insist that we do clean-up just before dinner and she should not worry about it, but we both quickly try to pick up a few things and end up cleaning up the playroom ourselves, and we both smile and try to say we had a nice time while the baby cries, the younger kids are coming in with dog poop on their shoes, and the guest and my child are complaining that they didn't get to play in the yard yet. They pull out of the driveway, I microwave my mostly untouched tea, put in a video, decide I'm too exhausted to make dinner and wonder if the mother will ever return to our house.
And yes, I did meld some age group examples there--perhaps the same child that trashed the playroom would not be of an age to want to be on the computer much. And it would be different for 3-yr-olds--but it's similar. For example, one adorable 3-yr-old like to play dress-up, and her mother warned me that this often meant full changes of clothing and that her daughter was not shy. Well, my daughter thought her spirited friend was a hoot and found it great fun to strip in the living room for spontaneous costume changes and i had no problem with this when it was just me, but when her mom was present she would get embarrassed and we'd spend a lot time trying to teach them to get changed in the bedroom, which seriously interfered with the flow of their play. I will admit, though, that this mom and a few others have, for some inexplicable reason, returned, and we both learned to not worry about naked kids and such, and I got less self-conscious under the rationale that if they still came back, they must be hard to scare away--and i do enjoy the visits. I have even gotten much better at even the initial visit/playdates over the years (which may or may not be related to the fact that some of my kids are older and more civilized!) But a straight drop-off playdate is just simpler sometimes, don't you think?
;)
For example, hypothetical child comes over, I chat with mom in the doorway for a bit while the child discovers the messy playroom and is delighted to help the mess along without interference. The mom leaves, the guest and whichever child of mine the guest is supposedly here to play with go play. The baby needs to nurse, so I sit to nurse him, and hear conflict brewing upstairs. When it reaches a certain level of volume and/or shrillness I yell loudly enough to be heard, "What's going on? Settle it in the next three minutes or I will!" or some other random phrase meant to indicate I am on top of the situation even if I don't appear, because in reality it's not serious enough to warrant my interrupting the baby. Kids appear and ask for snacks. I tell them to wait till the baby is done. A child bumps himself and cries, so I put the baby down in the crib and let him cry because the other cry is more urgent and parenting multiple kids as always a triage situation. Tend to the wounded and, while the baby isn't in my arms, grab something quick out of the cabinet and hand it to the kids for snack ("Can't we have X?" guest asks, and I say, "Sorry, not today"), then go back to the baby. Notice that a younger child is running around naked from the waist down, decide it isn't a priority right now. Change baby and settle him to play, find younger child and re-apply clothing, press button on tea kettle to boil some water for myself. Have kids ask to play on the computer and give strict orders to use the timer to take turns, put in video for the younger child, make tea and read email on my computer. Have guest come down to complain that my child is not letting him play the game he wants, tell him to go back and try working it out. Empty dishwasher and decide what dinner will be. Bobble baby, read to younger child, hear discussion about computer and go tell my child that he must compromise and allow his guest to play the game he wants and he should let the guest go first--no further argument. Put baby down for nap, which involves five minutes of crying. Discover every toy in the playroom is on the floor, shrug knowing it will take all of 15 minutes to cope with later, and step over the toys to get lunch ready. Feed kids lunch unceremoniously in front of a video while I swap some laundry. Tell kids it's time to get some outside time--guest and associated child argue for more time on the computer, I say no, go outside for a bit, they go out and have great time climbing on the swingset. While I'm picking up the remnants of the lunch mess, I note the time and warn child his mom will be here soon and he should have his shoes and such on. Mom comes to pick child up, maybe she sees the mess and maybe she doesn't, but I simply say, "It was my kids, not yours" and she doesn't feel the need to make her
child clean up before leaving. Everyone is happy.
Now, lets say the hypothetical child comes over and hypothetical mom stays. (This account is fictional--any resemblance to any non-Freivald children and mothers or past or future playdates is purely coincidental.) I hastily pick up toys so the place doesn't look too messy. Guest starts dumping toys, his mom tells him to stop which accelerates the dumping, tells him again to stop, I try to make it not a big deal while also not undermining her, finally ask if she wants tea while the kids go off to play. Push button on tea kettle. Baby needs to nurse, so I sit down. Conflict brews upstairs, instead of yelling in front of my guest I go upstairs with baby attached and quietly tell the kids to stop, with other mom right behind me to make sure it isn't her child causing the ruckus and to help. Boys start telling us who did what, we both tell our kids that they were in the wrong while pretending to ignore what the other is saying to her child, and go back downstairs. I try to converse while nursing the baby, only to have younger child streak by with no pants on. Mutter that I will have to get to him once the baby is done. Kids appear and ask for snacks. I don't want to put them off in front of a new acquaintance, so I interrupt baby to make a "proper" snack and realize I never made tea. Push button again on tea kettle, make four different snacks because the guest can't decide what he wants and if I'm accommodating one I must accommodate all as if this is what i always do so mother won't feel her child is being difficult. Realize I haven't offered anything to my adult guest, and ask if she would like anything to eat just as I realize i have no grown-up food around. Offer some animal crackers with our tea. Realize I still haven't made tea. Push button on tea kettle. Guest comes down and complains about not getting to play his favorite game on the computer. I call my child down to tell him he should let the guest go first and let him chose the game just as guest's mother is telling him he shouldn't tattle and should play what is offered--boys stand there sullenly waiting to find out which mom will insist her child give way. I win, my child grumpily retreats, mother apologizes, I apologize back, interrupt very tired baby's nursing again to finally pour tea. See younger child streak by again, put baby down to sleep, and while he cries snag Naked Boy and clothe him, searching the pile of unfolded laundry for something to fit him while other mother kindly asks if I'd like her to pick up the crying baby. I try to decide if I will look coldhearted if I tell her we're better off letting the baby cry, when kids ask for lunch. MOther offers to start something but I'm thinking of the state of my fridge and insist I will be right there to get it. Send off Not-Naked Boy, go to start lunch, and notice that I have left the tea steeping the whole time. Decide it's OK and ask mother what she wants in her tea. Make tea while kids ask me what's for lunch. Make lunch and sit them all at the dining room table, then realize this leaves little room for me and the mom to drink our tea. Accommodating mother suggests we drink it in the kitchen. I try to pick up around the kitchen without looking like I'm cleaning up, and both of us attempt a conversation while correcting the manners of our kids. I suggest the kids go outdoors after lunch, the guest and child ask for more computer time "Since it is a special occasion that he's here, Mom" and not wanting to look like a jerk I agree, but then still have to get the other kids their shoes because they DO want to go out. GIve up on baby sleeping and pick him up. Mother helps me put shoes on kids. Guest and child upstairs have had too much time on the computer and are getting whiny. I try to figure out which is worse--not offering the mom any lunch or feeding her PB&J, but mother decides it's time to leave and has awkward conflict with her child over their departure. She insists he help clean up. I then insist my kids clean up, and none of the kids are willing. Finally, I insist that we do clean-up just before dinner and she should not worry about it, but we both quickly try to pick up a few things and end up cleaning up the playroom ourselves, and we both smile and try to say we had a nice time while the baby cries, the younger kids are coming in with dog poop on their shoes, and the guest and my child are complaining that they didn't get to play in the yard yet. They pull out of the driveway, I microwave my mostly untouched tea, put in a video, decide I'm too exhausted to make dinner and wonder if the mother will ever return to our house.
And yes, I did meld some age group examples there--perhaps the same child that trashed the playroom would not be of an age to want to be on the computer much. And it would be different for 3-yr-olds--but it's similar. For example, one adorable 3-yr-old like to play dress-up, and her mother warned me that this often meant full changes of clothing and that her daughter was not shy. Well, my daughter thought her spirited friend was a hoot and found it great fun to strip in the living room for spontaneous costume changes and i had no problem with this when it was just me, but when her mom was present she would get embarrassed and we'd spend a lot time trying to teach them to get changed in the bedroom, which seriously interfered with the flow of their play. I will admit, though, that this mom and a few others have, for some inexplicable reason, returned, and we both learned to not worry about naked kids and such, and I got less self-conscious under the rationale that if they still came back, they must be hard to scare away--and i do enjoy the visits. I have even gotten much better at even the initial visit/playdates over the years (which may or may not be related to the fact that some of my kids are older and more civilized!) But a straight drop-off playdate is just simpler sometimes, don't you think?
;)
posted by Sue Freivald at
9:19 PM
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