One of those days...

Another mom described a day of defiant and uncooperative behavior on the part of her child and her own displays of frustration, which led to the little one packing up his blanket and pillow and declaring that he was leaving--which of course made the poor woman feel like a bad mom.

I think she's a good mom. A great one, in fact. Why? Because when he packed up his blanket and pillow, she almost cried. Me, I would've said, "Good thought, because I'm not sure I want people who act like this living in my house. Who do you think WOULD want to listen to this so much they'd have you live with them?!?!" Then I would have called my husband on his cell and ranted about how HIS child is acting up and doing everything possible to push my buttons and actually has the nerve to imply I'm not hospitable enough for him because he succeeded in pushing my buttons, and then I probably would have put the cat outside just because I couldn't deal with one more critter and the cat at least can be left outside without legal proceedings resulting and I can convince myself life is easier because I put her out, and then I would find chocolate. OK, I would like to say I would THINK it and not say it to my child, but...

Don't worry, fellow moms of uncooperative children, I've had whole weeks of uncooperative, defiant child behavior and the corresponding maternal embarassments and downfalls--once I not only had my child dragging on the floor and screaming as I tried to take him out of preschool, I had a baby in the other arm and the Election Day Bake sale was going on with a few dozen people looking on (and I'd even let him pick out cookies to buy, it's not like I wasn't nice to him!), and then the preschool director actually helped both validate me and get me and my loud kid out the door by simply lifting my child up under his armpits and carrying him along with me to plop him on the path outside, saying, "No, we leave when Mom wants us to leave" and then disappearing back inside. I don't know which of us was more shocked or embarrassed.

Despite some great bursts of angry volume, especially when Dad's away, the kids claim they still believe I love them even if I yell, and even better, the older ones have actually come to acknowledge on occasion that though my apology for yelling is appropriate (and accepted) their own behavior was in fact out of line and a major contributing factor to my losing the temper that I'm supposed to try not to lose, and the apologies end up being mutual. Yes, we should try to be as perfect as possible, but the fact is we're human. Humans are affected by other humans' behavior, and awful as we feel loss of temper is in fact a possible effect our kids' behavior can have on people. I like to think that along with accumulating plenty of guilt I've also helped the older ones learn that their behavior affects others by starting my losses of temper at an early age--similar to starting a foreign language at a young age, perhaps, only with shame and guilt as added benefits. ;)

More importantly, these spurts of everything's-a-battle DO pass. Sometimes, like the day after an endlessly defiant day, we might even look at things and realize there is a reason for the child's behavior we didn't see before and do the whole empathy, psychology, work-it-out, maternal thing, and sometimes we never find a reason and have to get through the phase one deep breath or one loud scream (or a varying pattern made up of the two) at a time.

I do HIGHLY recommend email to keep your sanity, and even better, ranting at your husband. I find ranting while he's still away best--he's away and might feel guilty enough to let it roll off his back, and then it's over with and you can fully enjoy the relief of his homecoming!